Passing on the two types, looking for proof of a third

Be careful what you wish for.

Tonight I put my fingers to the keyboard and lamented about wasted time and lost ideas. Then I kept writing. And I'm sort of having an issue putting the laptop down and heading to bed.

I've had numerous things to work out in my head and the noise is a bit on the loud side right now. Most of it is the usual; kids, work, what to cook for my next blog entry... , but some of it is fairly intense. Knowing I was wrong when I pressed an issue earlier today, wanting to talk to/hear from someone, but holding steadfast to not wanting to 'give chase', terrible acts of violence occurring far too often, uprooting life as I know it for life as I hope will be, and wondering where this inner journey to find myself will finally lead.

Some days it's like I take a few steps, look around and really have no idea where I am or exactly how I got there. No, not literally. It's almost as though I look around in that cluster of thoughts and can't tell what is the exact purpose, and then I have to back track to figure it out.

I spent months, possibly years, waking up every day knowing I wasn't remotely the person I wanted to be at this point in my life. Far too unhappy and alone, with more than a lifetime to share. I couldn't say that the reason I am still alone is some fault I possess, but I do think it is completely likely that I have spent far too long focused on the wrong horizon to recognize a road with promise from a dead end. Self-study and self-actualization will, at the very least, give me peace of mind and spirit should I live out the rest of my days a single woman.

I know what triggers instant attraction, tongue-wagging lust, and contented comfort. What I don't know is how to feel my way through all of those and gauge for potential longevity. Being able to stand back and separate from the rush, the newness, the intensity takes a skill and self awareness that I am only just discovering. Pace. Clarity. Observation. Someday I will own those bitches!

Until that day, however, I'm still as perplexed as ever about what constitutes relationship 'material'. If you have a great time together; laugh, talk, in general look forward to seeing one another, and have a pretty solid connection what else does there need to be to take the next step and become 'exclusive'? Maybe I'm too cut-and-dry or completely out of touch with reality; I don't know.

It has been my experience, over the past nearly six years that there are (predominantly) two types of guys in most dating pools; the get-serious-way-too-quick-now-it's-totally-awkward-and-creepy type and they yeah-I-dig-you-we-have-fun-together-but-I'm-not-the-exclusive-relationship type. No happy medium on this chick's horizon it would seem. No complaints, just observations. Ok, maybe I'm slightly whiny. I'm female; it's my right.