A friend of mine recently brought up a coping mechanism type practice by Pema Chodron in her CD series "Don't Bite the Hook", after having read my post about learning to work through negative feelings. I have spent a lot of wasted time and energy dating Mr. Not Right For Me. Too much time, but the lessons are starting to make sense. Well, slowly.
I suppose there has to come a time when I woman up and stop gravitating to hopeless cases and start dating in my worth bracket. I'm hoping I've finally reached that point. Seriously, I have accumulated way too much awesome to be pissing it away on men who lie, cheat and just plain suck the fun out of relationships. Ok, so not all of them are that bad; they might just not be interesting enough or live on the same plain of existence as I do. Admittedly, that's part of the problem. There are just too few guys who are centered and evolved enough to truly appreciate a woman such as myself. Sure, this all sounds like boasting, but I am the first line in self-esteem and confidence. If I don't believe it, I can't project it.
About a year ago I started dating a guy I had known for quite some time, mostly in the professional arena. No, not porn or prostitution; our (legitimately) professional lives intersected often. It was a swift and total tumble down the slope of "I'm in love" only to wake up in the briar wondering just what in the hell I was thinking. Iraq War vet, pathetically used PTSD to cover up the fact that he was seeing someone else on the side. I bought that crap hook, line and sinker! For three months I was stressed and worried for his state of mind and his daughters home life. He wasn't abusive or anything, he just claimed to be completely depressed and barely functioning. Being the fabulous maternal empathizer that I can be, I was overwrought with concern and dropped 10 pounds. Bitch of that was that I didn't have it to lose in the first place.
At some point I began realizing that it was over, despite the total lack of break-up, and slowly I started to put my life on my own path again. This is the thing; I halt all my own ventures and wants in life when I have become involved with a needy guy. My interpretation of needy is someone who willingly sucks drive and desire from your 'self reserves' and ties them to their own. I hardly consider myself a people pleaser, but I seem to be slightly addicted to making a guy feel like a god. Might be a bit of an exaggeration, but the point has been made, has it not?
The rotten act of using a real and life-limiting condition like PTSD as a front for immoral and dishonest behavior is just plain despicable. Amazingly enough, it really pushed me to see the veil and pull it back so I could move on. Like any other 'addiction' I spent a few weeks vacillating between realization of the truth and the desire to believe the lies. Thankfully, once I had thought about the situation obsessively enough, I cut all contact and reclaimed my life.
Shortly after I finally saw the truth and accepted it, I chose to re-crown my Inner Brat and make serious changes in how I see and live life. Of course, this hasn't been without setbacks or further painful lessons, but I am finally getting exactly where I go wrong nine times out of 10. I trust too easy, fall too quick, believe without question and give in to seduction with no show of resistance.
And then a few months later, I started playing social hour with the food phobe...
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