No More Crazies Please

Finding the way to touch happy is, in my opinion, similar to being in a maze. Actually having the presence of being to recognize it, grab it and not let it slip away can be messy. This has been the on-going theme of the last five years of my life.

The moment I freed myself from the toxic marriage I had been in, I craved something more. I didn't know exactly what it was, but I thought, in that just-divorced-wild-way, that dating an alcoholic was the answer. Ok, so in my defense, I had no idea he had a drinking problem. Had I not been blinded by flattery and sex with someone new, it's likely I would have seen it and spared myself the drama. Ah, but I have spent the better part of twenty-some-odd years not recognizing the crazy, the controlling or the immature and all-around unhealthy. In due time.

After a volatile six months, I finally ended that mistake, aware that I learned another of life's painful lessons. It was also the first time I ever felt like I failed my sons. Not that I had gotten away from an incredibly messed up individual, but that they had also been subjected to him. I decided then that my boys would only meet someone if I believed they would be in my life for a long time.

I forgot about 'finding the happy' for awhile, and went with having a good time. What a crazy two year ride that was! Whenever the boys were away, mom did play. Partying like a rock star; well, at least it seemed like it for someone who rarely drank. Boy did I drink. And I managed to find even more guys with issues and neediness along the way. I'm the hard way, road untraveled sort of student. Oh, lucky me.

It would be untrue to say I dated the 'same' guy over and over, though there were many who might as well have been. Ok, so 'many' seems to infer more negative connotations than intended. A handful. Yes, that's more accurate. A couple of the guys I dated were a lot of fun, didn't have serious issues, but the potential of their participation in my life was always short-lived. And that's ok. As a previous uptight-panties-in-a-bunch woman, learning how to just have fun was exactly what I needed. It's a little ridiculous that it's taking me so long to grasp that concept, however.

Can I opt for the 'next' lesson? Please.