Gah! (sigh)
Ebb and flow from contentedness to unsettled, and other than realizing there has been an abundance of conflicting emotions in my life as of late, I am not so fond of these less than happy moments. There are just those times when I need to get out and be with people, but it just doesn't seem to be in the cards. I suppose I should be grateful for the additional time for reflection and rest. I'm not.
I like my life, and I enjoy being single. Especially when I consider I could still be unhappily wed to a narcissist, who excelled in belittling, emotional terrorism, and manipulative warfare. Sometimes though, like nights when I'd like to get out and be with friends, but it doesn't happen, I get a little bummed out.
Maybe it's the feeling that I'm missing out on some opportunity that won't come again (I mean, I am 42 afterall), or it's just that air of loneliness hanging around. Either way, these are the nights when being single with teenage kids isn't all I need. It'd be great to curl up on the couch watching pre-season football with someone who appreciates my tourettes like affliction, unlike my sons. Ok, so maybe using the term 'curl up' isn't exactly right...it's more like someone willing to sit precariously within range of my arms and legs, being amused or at least un-phased by my exaggerated hoots, hollers, and full-body cheering.
I don't know, maybe listening to Jonny Lang earlier wasn't the best idea. I mean, I love his music, but that bluesy sound evokes a mellow mood that I'm not always able to slip into and maintain a happy groove. Shit, the worst part of this pity party my inner brat seems to be throwing us tonight, is that I'm exhausted and couldn't possibly have a good time if I were out and about with people. Isn't that just the way?
Eh, I guess I just need to chalk it up to fatigue and call it a day. It's not like I'm alone; I got the kitty cat and the 15 yr-old. I could have hung out for wine with a neighbor and her friends, but knowing how tired I really am, I passed. So what if I feel perpetually single at the moment...I know it's just warped perception. And honestly, being unattached is so much better than being in hell with someone I can't stand or who drains the life out of me.
I've got a lot of stuff to do in the next few months, a guy just isn't going to fit in right now. Even nights out with friends are going to be sporadic for a bit, better get comfy with this reality. Career and life focused...the rest will come along eventually.
Friday, August 15, 2014
Wednesday, August 13, 2014
Single-mother-parenthood
I adore my children. My sons are amazing and in any lifetime, under any circumstances, I would be lucky to have them. I may receive a bulk of the credit for how they have grown, but it's a bittersweet accolade.
In a surprisingly candid and honest conversation with a friend this evening, I let loose the horrible downside to raising children alone. Having children with someone and then not being with them forever, is completely awful. Maybe not the whole two-person relationship aspect, but the hey-how-awesome-are-these-kids-we-created aspect.
When I was pregnant and carrying each of my boys, it never occurred to me that I might celebrate all the amazing milestones in their lives, and subsequently resent doing it by myself. Don't get me wrong, I would never trade a second of the joy each of them has brought to my life, but in any instance I never imagined doing all of it alone.
The day I found out my oldest found my sex toy stash and had show-and-tell with his friends, I had to face both the embarrassment and the subsequent punishment by myself. There was no one to stand beside me and help steer and redirect; no one to reassure or embrace me in an act of comfort to dull the horrifying feeling of both alarming my child and realizing others' children were equally creeped out. Alone with the entirety of it all.
My oldest son graduated high school, my youngest started a completely different kind of high school; they both are growing facial hair and have left the house in a vehicle without me - leaving me completely terrified until they returned. They have been sick, disappointed me and fallen asleep under the Christmas tree, providing the most amazing photo op and 'awww' moment as a parent. I have been given dirty looks, stubborn groans, and the biggest hugs out of nowhere. And all of this I do alone. I cannot call their father and commiserate or celebrate; I cannot beam with joy and communicate the immense feeling of pride with just a look or a touch.
The sleepless nights over bad attitudes and choices, the nervousness of driver's ed and bad grades, the frustration of growing pains and watching your children hurt from life experience. There is no part of raising my sons that does not have the shadow of regret and what-could-have-been. I push through and focus on the incredible experience of seeing my children morph into adults, but the empty/missing feeling is always lurking there.
As I told my friend, just wanting to have a child isn't enough. You cannot haphazardly choose a partner to procreate with; not when that person may not stand beside you through the years to come. To be separated from your children, divided in households, and suddenly raising your child part or full-time on your own is not what any parent dreams of when they bring a son or daughter into the world. No one really ever sits around thinking 'yeah, I want to totally be a one parent, kid raising machine with no support and no one to truly appreciate what only a parent of this child could'.
I never imagined filing through relationships, post-divorce, unable to find someone who would both love my sons and want to be the kind of role model they need. While my intentions have never been to replace my boys' father, the desire to both have a loving, understanding and capable companion who also inspires and bonds with my sons never leaves that hopeful part of me. I am far from desperate for a man in my life; I love my independence and ability to be happy without that kind of fulfillment. It's just that I wanted more as a mother, I wanted more for my sons and my life.
To all the other single parents out there, I get it, I know. The tears, the screams, the sad moments, the emptiness of no reflection of joy and pride from the other half that helped create the wonder that is your child...it's overwhelming and unavoidable. I wish that you could find a soul that completes, or at the very least gives new, more incredible meaning to the role of being a parent. And I wish I could reason with any potential parents to make certain they intend to be the team every child deserves and every parent should be able to lean on in raising children.
There are more emotions and thoughts that range from glorious to excruciating associated with being a single parent, but I might be writing for days. Before you think of bringing a bouncing baby girl or boy into the world, consider the implications of one day being alone and having no one to lean on, go to, or rely on when you need a break, need insight, or have no idea what way to go next. The lives that we bring into this world are fragile; impressionable beyond our often limited consideration. Just wanting to be a parent and have that child to pass on the family name and give you purpose aren't enough; a child deserves the things you might not ever possibly consider when you think of the giddiest parts of what a child might mean.
Parenthood is the most unexpected, difficult, amazing, inspiring, devastating, and rewarding experiences of my lifetime. I wouldn't trade it for anything. That doesn't mean this is how I wanted things to play out...that I wanted to be left to do it alone. I would so loved to have remained a coupled, parenting team, raising my sons in love and dual support into their later years of life. The reality is that I am alone, I have done a good job, my sons aren't lacking in any telltale ways, and they make my life all that it is despite not turning out the way I had once hoped it might.
I do love my life, no matter what hopes never came to be.
In a surprisingly candid and honest conversation with a friend this evening, I let loose the horrible downside to raising children alone. Having children with someone and then not being with them forever, is completely awful. Maybe not the whole two-person relationship aspect, but the hey-how-awesome-are-these-kids-we-created aspect.
When I was pregnant and carrying each of my boys, it never occurred to me that I might celebrate all the amazing milestones in their lives, and subsequently resent doing it by myself. Don't get me wrong, I would never trade a second of the joy each of them has brought to my life, but in any instance I never imagined doing all of it alone.
The day I found out my oldest found my sex toy stash and had show-and-tell with his friends, I had to face both the embarrassment and the subsequent punishment by myself. There was no one to stand beside me and help steer and redirect; no one to reassure or embrace me in an act of comfort to dull the horrifying feeling of both alarming my child and realizing others' children were equally creeped out. Alone with the entirety of it all.
My oldest son graduated high school, my youngest started a completely different kind of high school; they both are growing facial hair and have left the house in a vehicle without me - leaving me completely terrified until they returned. They have been sick, disappointed me and fallen asleep under the Christmas tree, providing the most amazing photo op and 'awww' moment as a parent. I have been given dirty looks, stubborn groans, and the biggest hugs out of nowhere. And all of this I do alone. I cannot call their father and commiserate or celebrate; I cannot beam with joy and communicate the immense feeling of pride with just a look or a touch.
The sleepless nights over bad attitudes and choices, the nervousness of driver's ed and bad grades, the frustration of growing pains and watching your children hurt from life experience. There is no part of raising my sons that does not have the shadow of regret and what-could-have-been. I push through and focus on the incredible experience of seeing my children morph into adults, but the empty/missing feeling is always lurking there.
As I told my friend, just wanting to have a child isn't enough. You cannot haphazardly choose a partner to procreate with; not when that person may not stand beside you through the years to come. To be separated from your children, divided in households, and suddenly raising your child part or full-time on your own is not what any parent dreams of when they bring a son or daughter into the world. No one really ever sits around thinking 'yeah, I want to totally be a one parent, kid raising machine with no support and no one to truly appreciate what only a parent of this child could'.
I never imagined filing through relationships, post-divorce, unable to find someone who would both love my sons and want to be the kind of role model they need. While my intentions have never been to replace my boys' father, the desire to both have a loving, understanding and capable companion who also inspires and bonds with my sons never leaves that hopeful part of me. I am far from desperate for a man in my life; I love my independence and ability to be happy without that kind of fulfillment. It's just that I wanted more as a mother, I wanted more for my sons and my life.
To all the other single parents out there, I get it, I know. The tears, the screams, the sad moments, the emptiness of no reflection of joy and pride from the other half that helped create the wonder that is your child...it's overwhelming and unavoidable. I wish that you could find a soul that completes, or at the very least gives new, more incredible meaning to the role of being a parent. And I wish I could reason with any potential parents to make certain they intend to be the team every child deserves and every parent should be able to lean on in raising children.
There are more emotions and thoughts that range from glorious to excruciating associated with being a single parent, but I might be writing for days. Before you think of bringing a bouncing baby girl or boy into the world, consider the implications of one day being alone and having no one to lean on, go to, or rely on when you need a break, need insight, or have no idea what way to go next. The lives that we bring into this world are fragile; impressionable beyond our often limited consideration. Just wanting to be a parent and have that child to pass on the family name and give you purpose aren't enough; a child deserves the things you might not ever possibly consider when you think of the giddiest parts of what a child might mean.
Parenthood is the most unexpected, difficult, amazing, inspiring, devastating, and rewarding experiences of my lifetime. I wouldn't trade it for anything. That doesn't mean this is how I wanted things to play out...that I wanted to be left to do it alone. I would so loved to have remained a coupled, parenting team, raising my sons in love and dual support into their later years of life. The reality is that I am alone, I have done a good job, my sons aren't lacking in any telltale ways, and they make my life all that it is despite not turning out the way I had once hoped it might.
I do love my life, no matter what hopes never came to be.
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