Stupid moods, ya know

Gah! (sigh)

Ebb and flow from contentedness to unsettled, and other than realizing there has been an abundance of conflicting emotions in my life as of late, I am not so fond of these less than happy moments. There are just those times when I need to get out and be with people, but it just doesn't seem to be in the cards. I suppose I should be grateful for the additional time for reflection and rest. I'm not.

I like my life, and I enjoy being single. Especially when I consider I could still be unhappily wed to a narcissist, who excelled in belittling, emotional terrorism, and manipulative warfare. Sometimes though, like nights when I'd like to get out and be with friends, but it doesn't happen, I get a little bummed out.

Maybe it's the feeling that I'm missing out on some opportunity that won't come again (I mean, I am 42 afterall), or it's just that air of loneliness hanging around. Either way, these are the nights when being single with teenage kids isn't all I need. It'd be great to curl up on the couch watching pre-season football with someone who appreciates my tourettes like affliction, unlike my sons. Ok, so maybe using the term 'curl up' isn't exactly right...it's more like someone willing to sit precariously within range of my arms and legs, being amused or at least un-phased by my exaggerated hoots, hollers, and full-body cheering.

I don't know, maybe listening to Jonny Lang earlier wasn't the best idea. I mean, I love his music, but that bluesy sound evokes a mellow mood that I'm not always able to slip into and maintain a happy groove. Shit, the worst part of this pity party my inner brat seems to be throwing us tonight, is that I'm exhausted and couldn't possibly have a good time if I were out and about with people. Isn't that just the way?

Eh, I guess I just need to chalk it up to fatigue and call it a day. It's not like I'm alone; I got the kitty cat and the 15 yr-old. I could have hung out for wine with a neighbor and her friends, but knowing how tired I really am, I passed. So what if I feel perpetually single at the moment...I know it's just warped perception. And honestly, being unattached is so much better than being in hell with someone I can't stand or who drains the life out of me.

I've got a lot of stuff to do in the next few months, a guy just isn't going to fit in right now. Even nights out with friends are going to be sporadic for a bit, better get comfy with this reality. Career and life focused...the rest will come along eventually.